15 Years and Counting

Ken and I have been married for 15 years today. In celebration of this day I have collected some of the mistakes...er rather wisdom we have learned from over the years. By no means are we experts. This is what works for us, and a way to document these first 15 years.

Tip 1: Don’t Try to Make Your Spouse into Something He/She Isn’t

The first part of my marriage was spent trying to make him develop traits he didn’t have, and frankly didn’t want. I was convinced if he could only do these certain things he and I would be happier. Once I realized that my husband is not a multi-tasker he and I were much happier. In reality the fact that he is able to focus so intently on one thing allows him to do his job amongst the craziness of our home life. While on the other hand me being able to multi-task gets us out the door on time. His ability to be extremely organized compliments my inability to find the car keys that I had in my possession only a few minutes earlier.

Tip 2: Support One Another

When one is down in a marriage try to be the one that is up. This isn’t always possible, but Ken and I will frequently tell each other, “Sorry but this is my day to irrational and lose it. You will have to chose tomorrow.” It sounds funny but by stating it and making sure the other one is able to grab the reigns and take control allows the other to fall apart for awhile. My husband is the first to drop everything and help me look for a lost item, and I am the first to be his personal secretary and pick up the tasks he simply doesn’t have time to handle.

Tip 3: Stop Trying to Read Each Other’s Minds

Ken and I made a pact a long time ago that we would never say, “If you can’t figure out what I am thinking then I am not going to tell you.” Your spouse isn’t a mind reader and sulking and pouting just waste too much time. We have 4 kids we don’t have time to not be direct. If you have something that really needs to be worked out choose a time when it is just the two of you.  Begin with, “I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to get defensive. I love you and I want to work on this together.” Then state how you feel and give an idea of what you need to make it better.

Tip 4: Write it out and for Heaven’s sake Go to Bed Angry

Sometimes when we aren’t hearing one another and are talking over each other we take a break and write out our thoughts in individual letters. We then exchange and read what the other is saying. When you walk away from the heat of battle and then reflect on what the other is feeling, your perspective changes. Ken would state that 90% of our arguments have revolved around me being hungry and or sleep deprived. He is probably pretty accurate. Usually the light of day adds a whole new perspective. Take a little bit of time, go for a walk, punch a few pillows, sleep and eat some food then see if you still feel as angry.

Tip 5: Leave the Fairytale Expectations at the Door

Believe me I watched all the Disney cartoons and I had all the dreams, but reality set in very quickly that I did not marry a romantic. I can count on one hand how many times he has bought me flowers. (Did I mention that he will only buy me flowers with roots attached because it is more practical to spend money on something that lasts longer). One of our anniversary presents was a Kitchen Aid mixer. My Christmas present 2 years ago was a carpet cleaner, in my favorite color. Now there are still times I need a little romance, but I don’t wait around for my Prince Charming. Instead I tell my Prince, “Hey at 6:00 on Friday the babysitter is showing up. I want to be taken to a restaurant. You need to be wearing something other than sweats, and in the next few days I would like to hear you say I love you without me reminding you.” If you are married to a spontaneous romantic great for you, but for the rest of us life has intervened and I take it from where I get it.

            I figure if on Christmas morning I open a gift that I bought for myself (I do insist he wrap it) at least I get what I want and don’t have to sulk that it wasn’t what I asked for. After I took this attitude in our marriage the pressure was lifted and he started rising to the occasion without me saying a word. Mother’s Days around our house are amazing with him cooking 3 meals in a row and me not getting out of bed until I want.

Tip 6: Forgive Even When You Don’t Want To

Let’s face it no matter what you think or how right you are you aren’t perfect. As much as you think your spouse’s flaws are worse than yours they aren’t. On Valentine’s Day Ken asked what potted flower I wanted. I said, “I want anything but primroses.” Guess what is currently sitting outside my front door? Every day I pass a pot of primroses and just like they always do they have lost all their flowers and look like ugly green leaves. I could be angry that he doesn’t fully listen unless we make eye contact or I can let out a little laugh each time I pass them. I realize that this may seem small in comparison to some things people view as unforgivable in a marriage, but often I find that fights revolve around fairly insignificant things. My all time favorite story that illustrates this point is The Grapefruit Syndrome http://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng

Tip 7: Gain an Eternal Perspective

Would that thing that is bothering you so much in your marriage be as big of a deal if you knew that you were going to be with this person forever? Couldn’t you find a way to work it out? Isn’t there some compromise you could both find? I get that you might have to give something up and sometimes divorce may seem the easier answer, but carry that option all the way through. Can you really see yourself celebrating holidays without each other? Can you see your children being raised by someone else? Can you honestly say that divorce is the best option for your children? I teach middle school kids and I can’t tell you how many times I have talked one on one with a kid and they reveal that the reason why they are doing poorly in school is because they have been affected by their parents’ divorce.

Tip 8: Never Criticize Your Spouse in front of Your Kids or Your Parents

Don’t make your kids choose sides. Your children are always watching and listening even when you think they aren’t. If you think and talk positively about your spouse they will too.

If you haven’t figured it out yet you can do no wrong in the eyes of your parents, and if you bad-mouth your spouse to them they will never forgive your spouse. You are the one they will always defend and your spouse will feel the tension. If you need to talk to someone talk to your spouse’s parents or find a good counselor.

Tip 9: It’s the Whole Package

When you get married the extended family comes with your spouse. If you think you can separate the two you are deluding yourself. If you have difficult in-laws (believe me I know all about it – I could write a book). Then find something, no matter how small, you appreciate about them and latch on to it. When you are feeling frustrated repeat it over and over in your mind. In the end know your limits. Is it really necessary to spend an entire week in a small rental with your in-laws? Your children need to know where they came from, but never bad-mouth your relatives to your children. Believe me they will figure it out on their own. Let them form their own judgments and encourage them to have a relationship with them.

Tip 10: Yes you Need One on One Time but Get Creative

Having a weekly formal date was never realistic to us. While that hasn’t been possible Ken and I do spend a lot of time together. When the kids are in bed we will talk to each other a lot. Grocery shopping can be a date, and taking a walk around the block for 15 minutes can likewise count.

Tip 11: Find the Humor in Things

           

When we dated Ken promised that we would be laughing a lot in our marriage and it has been true. If one of you can find the humor in stressful situations – even to simply say some day we are going to laugh about this – it helps so much.

Tip 12: Compliments Will Always Go Farther Than Criticisms

If you want to change a situation start complimenting your spouse. The second we are criticized we become defensive. We stop listening and turn inward to try and protect ourselves. We will throw out insults to try and get the person to leave us alone. Criticizing never works and it usually makes things worse. Ken is an unbelievable compliment giver. He makes me feel valued and I want to do better to impress him. Furthermore never bad-mouth your spouse with others. I have been out with friends and everyone tries to one up each other on their stories. In the end you end up feeling trashy and heaven forbid any of it gets back to your spouse.

Tip 13: Image Matters

Avoid putting yourself in a situation that others could misinterpret. If you are having to rationalize why you are where you are and who you are hanging out with you probably shouldn’t be there. Ken avoids being alone with other women, not because he is worried about himself but because of what others would think. At work keep your relationships professional. Ex-relationships are fun to talk about, but you shouldn’t be reconnecting and hanging out with them including over the internet on a regular basis. Trust is important but temptation is a real thing and anyone can fail when put into a wrong situation frequently enough.

Tip 14: Your Spouse should be the first person you Share with

The second I have some news to share Ken is the one I call. I have never understood the mommy over my spouse thing. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom and we talk frequently, but if something big is going on in my life she isn’t the first one to hear it. The same goes with my friends, co-workers and book club members, especially when it comes to things about my spouse.

Tip 15: Marriage is Work

I still remember as a senior sitting in a home development class and hearing a couple that was on their second marriage saying that when they went into this marriage they told each other divorce was not an option. I was impressed by that, and think that maybe our decision on who we marry would be different if we knew divorce wasn’t an option. I have had very close friends that have gone through painful divorces and some of them were necessary, but I knew that I had chosen wisely in a spouse. I am not saying there haven’t been times in the past 15 years that I haven’t thought about giving up and walking away.  Yet in the end I know that Ken is the one that I am supposed to be with and what we have built together matters. I don’t think that we were just lucky to get to 15 years. We have had to work hard and there have been some intense challenges along the way, but we know each other better today far more than when we got married all those years ago today. I love you sweetie and I am looking forward to a lifetime together.

My Best Tips for Disneyland

Before we left to go to Disneyland I did as much research as possible. Here are my best tips:

1. Bring water bottles into the park. We froze our each night at the hotel and then let the kids drink cold water throughout the day. We also brought in our own snacks. We actually had an entire suitcase full of snacks that we brought with us on the plane. Food is expensive. So we ate a big breakfast at the hotel. The Staybridge where we stayed had a free continental breakfast each morning. We then had snacks and then went back to the hotel to cook dinner in the kitchen in our room. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at the hotel they also had a free dinner for guests.

2. If you have kids under the age of 5 bring a stroller. You can rent one there but it is expensive per day. We brought an umbrella stroller that had a basket under it and it was a life saver. There are a ton of places around Disneyland to park the stroller. We used it as a base to store our water bottles which I wouldn't have wanted to carry around. Our stroller had polka dots so it was easy to see, otherwise tie a bright scarf on to it. I have heard if you rent a stroller this is a must because it is hard to tell them apart.

3. Have an agenda. Maybe this is for me because I am a planner, but I feel that you need to have some kind of agenda ahead of time. We actually subscribed to Ride Max and planned out our days, which worked for the most part for us. It at least gave us a direction.

4. If you don't want to plan too much I would get there 45 minutes before the park opens then down Main Street and head left. The majority of people go right to Tomorrowland and Fantasyland.

5. Hit the big rides first thing in the morning, or during the parades, or fireworks.

6. Know your limits. I realize that people do Disneyland in only 3 days, but if you have children under the age of 5 I don't know how you do it. I think pushing the little ones too far makes everyone miserable. The best thing for them is to go about 4 hours, take a break and then come back in the evening.

7. Disneyland is loud and the noise and stimulation would get to me after awhile. It is a good idea to have a balance between the high energy excitement rides and the low ones.

8. Have a designated meeting place if you get separated. If everyone has cell phones that can text then this may not be a necessity for you. Between Ken and I we had one cell phone. There was one time he went back to get a stroller and we weren't able to find each other again for nearly 1 hour. When you call each other in Disneyland you can not hear each other because it is so loud.

9. Tell your kids that you are not going to buy any souvenirs until the last day, but that they can look for ideas throughout the trip. Then at the end of your last day going in to the Emporium on Main Street it has everything from all the parks and buy your item. That way you don't have to carry it around.

10. The fireworks show is amazing and it is pretty neat to see Dumbo and Tinkerbell fly. The first night we sat to the right but the trees were in the way. In order to get a spot in front of the castle you need to get there at least 1 hour before the show starts. My husband said there are great seats on Main by the train station that were still available 10 minutes before the show.

11. Have a plan for waiting in lines. Kids under the age of 5 hate lines. We did everything from bringing dum dums (huge hit), to letting them look through the videos we had taken on our camera of previous activities, or playing I Spy. In reality the best trick was having one parent wait in line while the other took them to a less busy ride. The carousal was perfect for us. We would get dirty looks sometimes when we cut, but get real people do you really want my 2 year old screaming his head off next to you for 20 - 30 minutes.

12. Pin trading is really fun for older kids. You can buy pins ahead of time on ebay for a fraction of the cost of what they are in the park.

13. Have your kids make their own autograph books ahead of time. The characters always commented about the kids books and it was fun for the kids to share them.

14. The train is a great way to get from one side of the park to the other. It is relaxing and comes frequently and you get to see new parts you wouldn't normally see.

15. Measure your kid ahead of time and know the height requirements. I saw one kid bawling because he wasn't tall enough to ride and his parents had promised him he could go.

16. The best rides for toddlers were Dumbo the Flying Elephant, Casey Jr. Circus Train, The Railroad, Goofy's House in Toon Town (not a ride I know), and rides in A Bug's Land.

17. Have the professional photographers take pictures of your family with your own camera. We also made sure to have them take some family shots in front of the castle and they superimposed tinkerbell into my kid's hands. You can order a single picture for $15 and this might make a great Christmas shot. I wish we would have had even more pictures in front of the castle, because I really liked what they did. The photographers are really nice and they know what looks good.

18. Make sure your phones are in water proof bags.

19. Lines 13, 20 and 21 are the fastest moving lines at the Disneyland entrance. I thought this was nuts when I read this on someone else's website, but it is true. There are large tree right in front of these entrances and people don't realize that you can sneak in front of everybody and get in these lines.

20. Don't be a sheep. Everyone has a crowd mentality. When we went to see the Aladdin show everyone was going in one entrance. We saw another door and asked if we could go in the upper level. We used this door and were able to then walk back down to the front and got great seats in the third row.

21. Toy Story Mania and Peter Pan are fun rides but they don't have a fast pass so do them first (except on Magic Mornings)

22. Use the fast pass system. You don't have to go between the designated time. The passes don't expire. You can also get another fast pass as soon as the first designated time on your first pass has passed. You can also get multiple fast passes for the same ride on the same day. Just make sure that if you have a runner go and get the fast passes that they take everyone's tickets because you have to scan each ticket individually. Having a runner go while the rest wait in line is a good way to spend your time.

23. Just splurge and do the Ariel's Grotto or character breakfast instead of the Princess Fantasy Faire. The lines for the faire are crazy long. If you want to save the money than have one parent wait while the other parent does Toon Town or It's a Small World. The wait is 30 - 40 minutes from the end of the first roped off line.

24. If your child wants to see Rapunzel (the new "it" princess) have a parent wait in line as soon as it opens. I asked and they said it is crazy every day as soon as it opens and the minimum wait time is 45 minutes.

25. I thought it was fun to have a list of the food items I really wanted ahead of time. On my list was a dole whip from Tiki Juice Bar (we hit this 3 separate times), cream cheese pretzel (amazing and I wish I would have bought another), mickey mouse shaped chocolate dipped ice cream, corn dog from the truck near Main Street, Monte Cristo Sandwich (heart attack and a half), chocolate peanut butter sandwiches (2 times - and I still fantasize about these).

26. The parade either starts on Main Street or by It's a Small World. Ask which direction it is starting on and plan accordingly. If it starts by It's a Small World you will be able to slip into Fantasyland after the parade passes while most people are still watching the parade. It is also fun to immediately follow behind the parade after it passes. The kids think they are part of the parade and you get to beat all of the crowds that are still watching. If you have seen the parade hit all the major rides you want to during the parade.

I had on my list but never got around to it: smoked turkey leg, beignets from the jazz kitchen in Downtown Disney, Rice Krispie Treats, Mozzarella Cheese Strips at The Stage Door Cafe, and Seafood Herb Crepes and Pommes Frites at Cafe Orleans. Maybe next time!

Day 5 and 6 Disneyland

On Friday morning we got to the park early again and headed to Toon Town. 

The kids had a lot of fun exploring the Disney characters houses and town.

 At one point the kids went to the City Hall and were pounding on the door and trying to open it. They turned around to come back to us and the door suddenly opened and out walked Pluto.

 One of our favorite places was Goofy's House. It had a fenced yard with a small park that was perfect for our active 2 year old. A lot of places around Disneyland are frustrating for 2 year olds and in many ways confining. He loved being able to run and play.

In Mickey's House you get to walk through all of the passage ways, then you end up in a video room that is running old Mickey Mouse movies. It surprised the kids afterwards when they turned the corner and found the real Mickey Mouse waiting for them.

 Little Miss desperately wanted to see Jasmine and we had been chasing her around Disneyland but had always missed her. We stopped by the Princess Faire on our way out of Toon Town to check it out. The lines were huge to see the princesses and Jasmine wasn't there.

 At this point we traveled to California Adventureland. We went to one of my most favorite places on the entire trip. We first went and saw Turtle Talk with Crush. It is absolutely amazing even if you don't have children. We have all kinds of theory as to how they make it work, but it is so much fun.

 We then went downstairs to the Sorcerer's Workshop. I think this is a place that is often overlooked, but they have a place called Belle's Library. The kids sat at these interactive books and answer questions. The book then magically shows a picture of their face and transforms into the Disney character they are most like. We did it for each of the kids and this was their results. 

 Midge is Lady, from Lady and the Tramp.

 Little Miss is Tinkerbell.

 Leo is Cogsworth.

Huck is Timon.

 Finn checking out Belle's Rose.

 Our talented little artist was then able to go to Animation Academy. I loved this place. You go into this amazing room full of seats with drawing paper and pencils. A professional Disney artist sits up on this amazing stage, with a giant screen and a document camera. The artist then walks you through how to draw famous Disney characters. It was so much fun and very relaxing.

 We then traveled over to the Muppet 3D movie. We all loved it and had a great time. 

 Afterwards we hooked up with my dad and Steve, my dad, and Ken went to the Tower of Terror. I took the kids back to the hotel for a rest. Midge wasn't feeling too good so we let her stay with my parents along with Huck. I think all of the excitement got to be too much for her. 

She definitely has her mother's stomach issues. 

Ken and I ended up taking Little Miss and Leo back to the park. 

 Snuggling with my little ones. It was nice to have 

a little downtime in Disneyland with them.

 We did some of their favorite rides and then headed over to the Haunted Mansion. My father had talked about how this was one of his most favorite rides as a small kid. I wasn't sure if it would be too scary for them, but Ken and I had already gone so I knew what to expect. I prepared Little Miss for what she would see and she thought it was kind of fun. They loved the last part when a ghost was riding in the car with them on the way out. 

 We then stayed and watched the fireworks show and Fantasmic. We loved both of them. The crowds definitely got crazier on Friday evening. People started reserving places to sit 2 hours before the show. I didn't want to bother with it so we found a place to the right of the castle before the show. We could definitely see the show, but I decided I wanted to have Midge see the show the next night and I wanted to sit directly in front of the castle to see Dumbo and Tinkerbell fly. 

Fantasmic was amazing. We sat just to the right of the controllers so we could see the switchboard as they operated the show right in front of Mark Twain's house. We ended up going to the 2nd show after the fireworks and the walk from the fireworks into Adventureland is insane with the crowds. You are literally squeezed in and I was thankful we had the stroller because I would have worried about losing Evie. At one point we couldn't move at all you couldn't go forward or backward. 

 Our last day at Disneyland we were all worn out. The kids wanted desperately to sleep in and hang around the hotel swimming pool. My parents ended up going to Disneyland and said the crowds weren't that bad probably because everyone had stayed out late the night before. We ended up arriving at Disneyland late in the afternoon just in time to get a good spot for the parade. All week we told the kids we weren't going to buy them a souvenir until the last day. Each of them got a gift from us and a gift from my parents. I had heard the Emporium on Main Street has everything in the park. While everyone was waiting for the parade I got to take each kid in and make a choice for what they wanted. 

Huck got a toy gun blaster which makes very loud noises from Mimi and Papa (which strangely affects the reception of the TV when he uses it)

Leo got a Lego set from Mimi and Papa and a Mickey T-shirt from mom and dad

Little Miss got a Jasmine doll from Mimi and Papa and an Ariel doll from Mom and Dad

Midge got jewelry from Mimi and Papa and a hat from Mom and Dad

 The parade was really fun and the kids loved it. 

 Little Miss showed Ariel on the float her new doll and the lady reacted and waved to her. 

Little Miss was in heaven.

 After the parade Little Miss desperately wanted to see Jasmine. I decided to try and go back to the Princess Faire. I walked up to the end of the line where an attendant was and told him that we had been there all week and had tried every day to find Jasmine and how this was our last night and our little 4 year old really wanted to see her and asked if he could please make it happen. He smiled and said she was just coming off stage and he would snag her. Little Miss was overjoyed and the woman was really nice to sign the kid's books. 

 Of course just as we were leaving Little Miss saw Mulan walking by and then told us she really wanted to see Mulan - sorry kid maybe next time. We caught up with the boys who had gone all the way over to do one more round of Toy Story Mania. We needed to kill a little bit of time so we tried on some hats in the Mad Hatter Store. A lot of fun and the place to find a hat in Disneyland.

 The kids then insisted on riding the only ride we hadn't yet ridden the Alice in Wonderland Ride.

We then went back to Toon Town to let the kids run around and burn off some steam.

For the fireworks on the last night we got a spot in front of the castle and we had a great view, but we had to wait a long time for the show to begin. Huck didn't like sitting in one place so Ken left to take him back to the hotel. Once he got away from the crowds Huck perked right up and they were able to go see Great Moment with Mr. Lincoln. Ken said that when they came out of the show he noticed that there were some empty benches up by the train station and they had a great view down Main Street of the fireworks show. That would seem to be the place to sit if you don't want to wait. I do have to say though it was amazing to be that close and see Tinkerbell and Dumbo fly. There were a ton of benches right behind us that were roped off and if you paid in advance you could sit there. That would be the way to do it because you could show up late and sit to watch the show whereas we had to stand.

I ended up going to Fantasmic two nights in a row because Midge was sick the first night and wanted to see it and Little Miss and Leo insisted on seeing it again. My parents ended up wanting to go back to the Hotel and I was glad they did because I know the crowds would have gotten to my mom. I should have insisted that Little Miss go back with them because the show didn't start until 10:30 and she was beat by then. She literally feel asleep in my arms waiting for the show to start, but once it did she perked up and watched the entire 25 minute show. 

On the way out that last night was one of my all time favorite memories. It is so amazing to be in the park at night. It is all lit up and looks completely different. As I left with my three oldest we walked along slowly holding hands saying goodbye to the different areas of the park and sharing our favorite memories of the past week. The weather was perfect and we were so happily exhausted. It was really fun and I was so glad I got to have that last little moment with my children before we left. 

Thanks Disneyland for the great memories.