Ken and I have been married for 15 years today. In celebration of this day I have collected some of the
mistakes...er rather wisdom we have learned from over the years. By no means are we experts. This is what works for us, and a way to document these first 15 years.
Tip 1: Don’t Try to Make Your Spouse into Something He/She Isn’t
The first part of my marriage was spent trying to make him develop traits he didn’t have, and frankly didn’t want. I was convinced if he could only do these certain things he and I would be happier. Once I realized that my husband is not a multi-tasker he and I were much happier. In reality the fact that he is able to focus so intently on one thing allows him to do his job amongst the craziness of our home life. While on the other hand me being able to multi-task gets us out the door on time. His ability to be extremely organized compliments my inability to find the car keys that I had in my possession only a few minutes earlier.
Tip 2: Support One Another
When one is down in a marriage try to be the one that is up. This isn’t always possible, but Ken and I will frequently tell each other, “Sorry but this is my day to irrational and lose it. You will have to chose tomorrow.” It sounds funny but by stating it and making sure the other one is able to grab the reigns and take control allows the other to fall apart for awhile. My husband is the first to drop everything and help me look for a lost item, and I am the first to be his personal secretary and pick up the tasks he simply doesn’t have time to handle.
Tip 3: Stop Trying to Read Each Other’s Minds
Ken and I made a pact a long time ago that we would never say, “If you can’t figure out what I am thinking then I am not going to tell you.” Your spouse isn’t a mind reader and sulking and pouting just waste too much time. We have 4 kids we don’t have time to not be direct. If you have something that really needs to be worked out choose a time when it is just the two of you. Begin with, “I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to get defensive. I love you and I want to work on this together.” Then state how you feel and give an idea of what you need to make it better.
Tip 4: Write it out and for Heaven’s sake Go to Bed Angry
Sometimes when we aren’t hearing one another and are talking over each other we take a break and write out our thoughts in individual letters. We then exchange and read what the other is saying. When you walk away from the heat of battle and then reflect on what the other is feeling, your perspective changes. Ken would state that 90% of our arguments have revolved around me being hungry and or sleep deprived. He is probably pretty accurate. Usually the light of day adds a whole new perspective. Take a little bit of time, go for a walk, punch a few pillows, sleep and eat some food then see if you still feel as angry.
Tip 5: Leave the Fairytale Expectations at the Door
Believe me I watched all the Disney cartoons and I had all the dreams, but reality set in very quickly that I did not marry a romantic. I can count on one hand how many times he has bought me flowers. (Did I mention that he will only buy me flowers with roots attached because it is more practical to spend money on something that lasts longer). One of our anniversary presents was a Kitchen Aid mixer. My Christmas present 2 years ago was a carpet cleaner, in my favorite color. Now there are still times I need a little romance, but I don’t wait around for my Prince Charming. Instead I tell my Prince, “Hey at 6:00 on Friday the babysitter is showing up. I want to be taken to a restaurant. You need to be wearing something other than sweats, and in the next few days I would like to hear you say I love you without me reminding you.” If you are married to a spontaneous romantic great for you, but for the rest of us life has intervened and I take it from where I get it.
I figure if on Christmas morning I open a gift that I bought for myself (I do insist he wrap it) at least I get what I want and don’t have to sulk that it wasn’t what I asked for. After I took this attitude in our marriage the pressure was lifted and he started rising to the occasion without me saying a word. Mother’s Days around our house are amazing with him cooking 3 meals in a row and me not getting out of bed until I want.
Tip 6: Forgive Even When You Don’t Want To
Let’s face it no matter what you think or how right you are you aren’t perfect. As much as you think your spouse’s flaws are worse than yours they aren’t. On Valentine’s Day Ken asked what potted flower I wanted. I said, “I want anything but primroses.” Guess what is currently sitting outside my front door? Every day I pass a pot of primroses and just like they always do they have lost all their flowers and look like ugly green leaves. I could be angry that he doesn’t fully listen unless we make eye contact or I can let out a little laugh each time I pass them. I realize that this may seem small in comparison to some things people view as unforgivable in a marriage, but often I find that fights revolve around fairly insignificant things. My all time favorite story that illustrates this point is The Grapefruit Syndrome
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/01/the-grapefruit-syndrome?lang=eng
Tip 7: Gain an Eternal Perspective
Would that thing that is bothering you so much in your marriage be as big of a deal if you knew that you were going to be with this person forever? Couldn’t you find a way to work it out? Isn’t there some compromise you could both find? I get that you might have to give something up and sometimes divorce may seem the easier answer, but carry that option all the way through. Can you really see yourself celebrating holidays without each other? Can you see your children being raised by someone else? Can you honestly say that divorce is the best option for your children? I teach middle school kids and I can’t tell you how many times I have talked one on one with a kid and they reveal that the reason why they are doing poorly in school is because they have been affected by their parents’ divorce.
Tip 8: Never Criticize Your Spouse in front of Your Kids or Your Parents
Don’t make your kids choose sides. Your children are always watching and listening even when you think they aren’t. If you think and talk positively about your spouse they will too.
If you haven’t figured it out yet you can do no wrong in the eyes of your parents, and if you bad-mouth your spouse to them they will never forgive your spouse. You are the one they will always defend and your spouse will feel the tension. If you need to talk to someone talk to your spouse’s parents or find a good counselor.
Tip 9: It’s the Whole Package
When you get married the extended family comes with your spouse. If you think you can separate the two you are deluding yourself. If you have difficult in-laws (believe me I know all about it – I could write a book). Then find something, no matter how small, you appreciate about them and latch on to it. When you are feeling frustrated repeat it over and over in your mind. In the end know your limits. Is it really necessary to spend an entire week in a small rental with your in-laws? Your children need to know where they came from, but never bad-mouth your relatives to your children. Believe me they will figure it out on their own. Let them form their own judgments and encourage them to have a relationship with them.
Tip 10: Yes you Need One on One Time but Get Creative
Having a weekly formal date was never realistic to us. While that hasn’t been possible Ken and I do spend a lot of time together. When the kids are in bed we will talk to each other a lot. Grocery shopping can be a date, and taking a walk around the block for 15 minutes can likewise count.
Tip 11: Find the Humor in Things
When we dated Ken promised that we would be laughing a lot in our marriage and it has been true. If one of you can find the humor in stressful situations – even to simply say some day we are going to laugh about this – it helps so much.
Tip 12: Compliments Will Always Go Farther Than Criticisms
If you want to change a situation start complimenting your spouse. The second we are criticized we become defensive. We stop listening and turn inward to try and protect ourselves. We will throw out insults to try and get the person to leave us alone. Criticizing never works and it usually makes things worse. Ken is an unbelievable compliment giver. He makes me feel valued and I want to do better to impress him. Furthermore never bad-mouth your spouse with others. I have been out with friends and everyone tries to one up each other on their stories. In the end you end up feeling trashy and heaven forbid any of it gets back to your spouse.
Tip 13: Image Matters
Avoid putting yourself in a situation that others could misinterpret. If you are having to rationalize why you are where you are and who you are hanging out with you probably shouldn’t be there. Ken avoids being alone with other women, not because he is worried about himself but because of what others would think. At work keep your relationships professional. Ex-relationships are fun to talk about, but you shouldn’t be reconnecting and hanging out with them including over the internet on a regular basis. Trust is important but temptation is a real thing and anyone can fail when put into a wrong situation frequently enough.
Tip 14: Your Spouse should be the first person you Share with
The second I have some news to share Ken is the one I call. I have never understood the mommy over my spouse thing. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom and we talk frequently, but if something big is going on in my life she isn’t the first one to hear it. The same goes with my friends, co-workers and book club members, especially when it comes to things about my spouse.
Tip 15: Marriage is Work
I still remember as a senior sitting in a home development class and hearing a couple that was on their second marriage saying that when they went into this marriage they told each other divorce was not an option. I was impressed by that, and think that maybe our decision on who we marry would be different if we knew divorce wasn’t an option. I have had very close friends that have gone through painful divorces and some of them were necessary, but I knew that I had chosen wisely in a spouse. I am not saying there haven’t been times in the past 15 years that I haven’t thought about giving up and walking away. Yet in the end I know that Ken is the one that I am supposed to be with and what we have built together matters. I don’t think that we were just lucky to get to 15 years. We have had to work hard and there have been some intense challenges along the way, but we know each other better today far more than when we got married all those years ago today. I love you sweetie and I am looking forward to a lifetime together.
